I've been thinking about boundaries a lot lately. Not in that abstract, theoretical way, but in the very real, very messy way that comes up when you're sitting in a group of women and everyone's nodding their heads because they all know exactly what it feels like to say yes when every fiber of your being is screaming no.
The phrase "You can't pour from an empty cup" shows up in just about every conversation I have about boundaries these days.
And while it's true, I've noticed something: the women I work with can recite this phrase perfectly, but they're still running themselves into the ground.
Because here's the thing - saying "putting yourself first" out loud feels like admitting you're selfish. And for so many of us, that word carries the weight of every time we were told we were "too much" or "not enough."
So let's talk about what boundaries really are, why they matter so much, and how to actually implement them without feeling like you're disappointing everyone you care about.
You have the right to say no to others, and others have a right to say no to you. – Macala Rose
Boundaries Aren’t Selfish
Boundaries are the limits we set to protect our personal, emotional, physical, and social spaces. Think of them as the framework for how you interact with the world - and more importantly, how you protect your own well-being.
I used to think boundaries were these rigid walls you put up to keep people out. But that's not it at all. They're more like... guidelines that help everyone understand how to be in relationship with you in a way that works for everyone involved.
Here's why they matter so much:
They teach people how to treat you. And this isn't just about other people - boundaries also show you what you will and won't accept. When you don't have clear boundaries, you end up in this exhausting cycle of resentment because you're constantly giving more than you can sustain.
They create space for actual connection. When you're not constantly overextended and resentful, you can show up authentically in your relationships. You can be present because you're not running on empty.
They protect your emotional well-being. Without boundaries, you become responsible for managing everyone else's emotions while neglecting your own. That's not sustainable, and it's not actually helping anyone.
They reduce stress and conflict. Clear boundaries create predictable patterns. When people know what to expect from you, there are fewer misunderstandings and less drama.
They give you back your power. Setting boundaries means you get to make choices that align with your values instead of just reacting to whatever crisis or request comes your way.
7 Types of Boundaries
Understanding different types of boundaries helps you identify where you might need to strengthen your limits:
Physical Boundaries are about your personal space and physical touch. This includes how close you're comfortable with people being, your comfort with physical contact, and what you consider your personal space.
Emotional Boundaries protect your feelings and emotional well-being. They define what personal information you share, how you express emotions, and how much you allow others to impact your emotional state.
Intellectual Boundaries are about your thoughts, ideas, and beliefs. They protect your right to form and express your own opinions without pressure or manipulation from others.
Social Boundaries help you manage your social interactions and relationships. They define how much socializing feels good to you, what types of relationships you want, and how you balance social time with personal time.
Digital Boundaries are increasingly important in our connected world. They involve limits around your online presence, how much personal information you share, time spent on social media, and managing the line between your personal and professional digital life.
Time Boundaries are about how you allocate and protect your time. They help you set limits on your availability, establish work hours, protect personal time, and manage commitments so you don't burn out.
Material Boundaries relate to your belongings, resources, and finances. They involve setting limits around lending or borrowing items, sharing resources, and maintaining control over your personal belongings and financial decisions.
These boundaries overlap and interconnect, and you might find some more important than others based on your values and what's happening in your life right now.
The Cost of Poor Boundaries
Let me be honest about what happens when we don't have healthy boundaries - because the cost is real, and it affects not just us but everyone around us.
You lose yourself. When boundaries are weak or nonexistent, you struggle to know who you are separate from everyone else's needs and expectations. You become so focused on managing other people's feelings that you forget you have your own.
Codependency creeps in. You start relying on others for validation and self-worth, or they become overly dependent on you. Either way, the relationship becomes unbalanced and unhealthy.
Everything feels overwhelming. Without boundaries, you're taking on everyone else's emotions and problems as if they're your own. You end up carrying weight that was never yours to carry.
Resentment builds. When you consistently give more than you can sustain, anger and resentment accumulate. These feelings strain relationships and create conflict.
You become a target for exploitation. People who don't respect boundaries will keep pushing until they find your limit. Without clear boundaries, you're vulnerable to being taken advantage of.
Burnout becomes inevitable. You're constantly overextended, taking on more than you can handle, and neglecting your own needs. This leads to physical and emotional exhaustion.
Your relationships suffer. In intimate relationships, poor boundaries can show up as jealousy, control, or even abuse. In all relationships, they create dynamics that aren't healthy for anyone involved.
The thing is, dysfunctional boundaries often develop for good reasons - past trauma, low self-esteem, or relationship patterns we learned growing up. Recognizing this isn't about blame; it's about understanding so we can make different choices moving forward.
Questions That Change Everything
Here's where the rubber meets the road. If you're recognizing yourself in any of this, these questions will help you figure out where you need boundaries:
What's the problem right now? Are you feeling overwhelmed or drained in your interactions with certain people or situations? Write down the specific people and situations. This isn't about making them wrong - it's about identifying where your energy is being depleted.
Are your needs consistently being overlooked? This one hits hard because many of us have gotten so good at putting everyone else first that we've forgotten we're allowed to have needs too.
Do you find yourself saying yes when you want to say no? If you're constantly agreeing to things you don't want to do because you feel obligated, that's a clear sign you need stronger boundaries.
What do you actually want? Not what you want them to do differently, but how you want the relationship or situation to feel. What would it look like if this interaction actually worked for you?
*For Work Boundaries Specifically*
What behaviors or requests at work make you feel uncomfortable or overwhelmed? Be specific. Is it the emails at 10 PM? The assumption that you'll take on extra projects? The colleague who dumps their emotions on you?
What are your non-negotiables? What do you absolutely need to protect your well-being and maintain some kind of work-life balance?
How can you communicate your boundaries professionally? You can be assertive and kind at the same time. It's about finding your voice, not becoming someone you're not.
What strategies will help you maintain these boundaries? Because setting them once isn't enough - you need a plan for reinforcing them consistently.
How will you handle pushback? Because let's be real - some people won't like your boundaries. Having a plan helps you stay strong when that happens.
How to Actually Enforce Your Boundaries
Rachel Rodgers, founder of Hello 7 and author of We Should All Be Millionaires, asks three crucial questions that I think about constantly:
What are the three steps you're going to take to set and enforce this boundary?
Who needs to know about this boundary?
What consequence are you ready and willing to enforce if they choose not to respect it?
That last question is the hardest one, but it's also the most important. A boundary without a consequence is just a suggestion. And here's what I've learned: if someone consistently disrespects your boundaries even after you've communicated them clearly, that tells you everything you need to know about how they view your well-being.
As Rachel wrote:
"The truth is, you cannot be a powerhouse without setting boundaries. It's time to stop being so nice all the time, stop being so generous to the wrong people or for the wrong reasons, and stop being afraid to disappoint people."
The Hard Conversations That Change Your Life
Here's something I wish someone had told me earlier: having hard conversations about boundaries feels uncomfortable at first, but it saves you from so much hurt and resentment down the road. When you don't have these conversations, you end up having them anyway - just in the form of built-up anger, passive-aggressive behavior, or eventual burnout.
The people pleaser inside you will want to stay quiet when your boundaries are crossed. That part of you thinks keeping the peace is more important than your well-being. But here's what I've learned: the people pleaser isn't actually serving anyone. When you're exhausted and resentful, you can't show up fully for the people you care about.
Mantra: "Having hard conversations and setting boundaries may be uncomfortable at first, but doing so saves me from hurt, anger, and disappointment down the road. I have the strength and courage I need to set boundaries with the people in my life."
Some Things to Remember
Michelle C. Clark, The People Pleaser Inside of You:
The people pleaser inside of you will remain silent when your boundaries are violated. The people pleaser inside of you won't be able to serve you—or anybody, in the end, because they'll have you too exhausted to do anything, for anybody. The people pleaser inside of you is not qualified to make choices for you — You have to choose. You have to decide that you're worth protecting. You have to decide that your boundaries are worth honoring.
And as Nedra Glover Tawwab writes in Set Boundaries, Find Peace:
The hardest thing about implementing boundaries is accepting that some people won't like, understand, or agree with yours. Once you grow beyond pleasing others, setting your standards becomes easier. Not being liked by everyone is a small consequence when you consider the overall reward of healthier relationships.
Where to Go From Here
Setting boundaries is a skill, and like any skill, it gets easier with practice. Some days you'll feel strong and clear about your limits. Other days you'll want to cave and say yes to everything. Both are normal.
Remember: your boundaries are in place to protect your well-being. If someone can't respect them, that says something about them, not about you. You're not responsible for managing other people's reactions to your healthy limits.
You deserve relationships and circumstances that don't require you to constantly sacrifice your well-being. You deserve to have energy left over for the things and people that matter most to you.
Question Disclaimers
Remember, these questions serve as a starting point for self-reflection, but the decision to set boundaries ultimately depends on your personal circumstances, values, and feelings.
Setting boundaries at work is a personal and context-specific process. It's important to consider the dynamics of your workplace, company policies, and your own comfort level when deciding how to set and communicate your boundaries effectively.
Legal Disclaimer
Important Note: This information is for educational purposes only and is not intended to replace professional psychological or medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Please consult with qualified professionals for personalized guidance.